Playing Dumb

When I was a teenager, the adults I tended to trust were the ones who were able to say ‘I don’t know.’   In honor of those before me, these days I’m opting to play dumb. On a good day, I forgo the response ‘I know’ for ‘Wait, actually, what do you mean?’ Sample situations where dumbness comes in handy include waking up, brushing my teeth, asking for help, listening to a friend, teaching, being in an unknown situation (aka life), meditating, looking at art, spending time with family.

By dumbness, I don’t mean being a stone wall, ignoring someone, avoiding responsibility, lying or being insincere. You could say it’s being blank, or a happy fool even.  It involves the practice of these behaviors:

• Asking questions that aren’t rhetorical
• Saying ‘I don’t know,’ when I don’t know
• Using fewer words, more space
• Generally being open, like a question is open
• Avoiding superlatives meant to persuade or impress
• Welcoming being new at something
• Allowing for silence, even when it’s awkward
• Using plain language, short sentences
• Letting self and others off the hook often, from perfection
• Admitting fault in a straightforward way when indicated
• Letting the situation – the future – unfold by itself.

Dumbness looks at a situation afresh minus the tangle of assessment, narrative, caveat, and the other straggling mental threads.

Dumbness is being open.

Examples of applied dumbness:

TEACHING

Letting the silence stand until a student is compelled to respond – that I would call being effectively dumb.

MEDIATING

In mediation, as in coaching, the mediator doesn’t solve problems, doesn’t look at evidence, and doesn’t judge: she just facilitates the conversation. She  sticks to the simplest framework that works and lets the content develop on its own.  In this way,  those in dispute move the content themselves, often toward resolution.

COACHING

One client and I agreed to communicate for a few sessions like we were truckers: short, to the point, and in monosyllables. It took us right to the guts of things; the conserved energy brought a renewed power and focus to her insights.

ART MAKING

In my art studio, just arriving and sitting at my table is usually an effective way to begin. Maybe opening my notebook. The appropriate action simply follows when it’s ready to.

WALKING

While walking, just feeling my feet on the ground is another form of basic-ness, literally an experience of dirt or concrete, or bird, gust of wind or blaring horn – these don’t need the running commentary of my inner dialogue.

THINKING

That inner dialogue however, like a dear but neurotic friend, is incredibly hard to shake at times. So when it’s there, there’s generally no use fighting it, just make some space for it as if you’re a kind of a blank, open presence (to some what might appear dumb), and inevitably that dialogue runs out of things to say.

BEING

When I just am somewhere, I just am present there. When I am simply present, the most intricately effective solutions – brilliant solutions, have the space to show up. They are not forced through mental gymnastics – they arise. My thoughts take me away from such presence and basic senses – and as such, they obscure lovely insights.

The very being that you are is the truth.
Yes, you are the truth. If you look for it elsewhere, you will be deceived every time.
-E. Toale

…don’t forget to celebrate in a ridiculous and exaggerated way

When you accomplish something small, like getting an important form in the mail on time, don’t forget to celebrate in a ridiculous and exaggerated way. My personal favorite way to do so is to hum a few bars of Pomp and Circumstance or the Rocky theme song, while in the final throes of completing a task, like for instance, uploading this post. Think of a 14 year old kid on his dirt bike, spastically pumping down the street like he’s in the Bourne Identity: that’s the spirit of what I’m talking about. In dry coaching jargon, it’s called ‘building by immediate success.’

Why do this?

a) Let’s face it, as adults no one else is going to widen their eyes and clap for us like they might’ve when we were small (at least not consistently). Consistent positive reinforcement is a habit strengthened by practice alone, and its an inside job.

b) It’s a lot easier to celebrate someone else’s successes when you’re already doing so for yourself – so its a service to others.

c) The playfulness in such a small act cancels out piety, rigidity and other boring by-products of modern adultness, so you can enjoy your day and others can enjoy you more too.

A more systematic approach is to make a daily list of what you’re proud of, have accomplished, however imperfectly, in the day.

And here’s where I press play…

Living in the wreckage of my imagined future…

My imagined future generally used to involve scenarios of lateness, inflexible meter maids, and dry boiled kettles. I had no idea that I was living with those images born of anxiety on my back, but they were ruling my present moment, every day, for oh about the first thirty three years of my life. The unconscious logic at work went that negatively anticipating outcomes would prepare me for anything and therefore I’d be ready, unflapped. Calm. Instead, I was living the quality of those imagined scenarios in the present. I might have well have stayed in crouch position wearing a helmet.

Expectation v. Intention: Equally unskillful was the iron-fisted determination to have a good day, to BE NICE to that rude person, or to wear a smile at all costs. This is the scary caricature of positive thinking. This is taking an intention and turning it into a white-knuckled expectation: ‘This meeting better work out or else I’ll know that I’m secretly meant to suffer and fail and it will be on your head, universe!’ Ahh, the bargains I’ve made!

An expectation as I’m describing it is rigid and contracted in energy, based in fear. An intention on the other hand, is something open, an imagined possibility I make room for among my practiced pessimisms, and then release. It’s got lots of room for anything to happen, and leaves the future to itself.

An intention is formed in the present moment, and it’s an opportunity to invite in the quality and experience I would choose for myself around a certain anticipated event, so I can connect with that quality, now.

For example, lets say I’m going to coach my favorite derelict teenagers across town, and my small self is dreading it. I’m betting they’ll be sullen or rude, and I’ll feel bad. So that’s the default wreckage I’m imagining for my future.  There’s also the option of expectation (those kids better be nice today, or by God I’m going to quit, or …), and thirdly, intention:

I invite into the present, as simply and openly as possible, a couple of qualities I’d love to experience during my time coaching these kids. An image of myself laughing, which makes me smile to think about. Qualities of ease, inspired and surprisingly sweet exchanges that I’m honored to be a part of. And then I release it, like dropping a pen or chucking a soda can out the car window (in the 70s). And that’s it.

Try it out by asking yourself:

How would I like to feel at the end of this task, phone call or meeting? Use all five of your senses. Turn it into a short mediation or journal about it.

If it feels fraught with unlikelihood, throw in the phrase: I’d be astonished to feel connected to that person, or to have resolved that email issue faster than I thought.

To be sure you’re keeping it open, you can always throw in ‘This or something better!’ at the end.

Music: an antidote to the vultures of doom

As we know, music gets into every crevice, can conjure a musty memory or feeling, or blow out the cobwebs of a disorienting nap.  So why don’t we tap in more often?

Here’s a simple 30 minute means of rebalancing this season, to resume enjoyment when the vultures of doom begin to circle:

Get centered, meaning, sit with your butt on a chair and feel gravity and your breath for a moment or two.  Make some wild faces to release the tension in your face muscles.

Then ask yourself this question:

What quality would balance and nourish me right now?

and this one:

These days, what quality am I most hungry for?

What is that quality like?  what color, texture, smells, sounds, activities, people, foods, inspire it in me?
Let images and impulses come.  Or freewrite it all down without editing or good spelling.

Then make yourself a playlist or cd entitled for that quality:  Buoyancy for example, Ease, Freshness.

Wake up to it, make a date with it while you’re getting dressed.  Whatever it takes to rebalance and nourish yourself.

Why bother?
1. Because it’s a nice first step to changing the world.
2. It’s cheaper than a new haircut.
3. It takes like, 10 minutes.

PS.  When choosing your music, make sure it isn’t a song that tugs you into the past or some dark emotional neighborhood.  As we know, music is a powerful beast, so get some new tunes from friends or itunes if need be.

Tell us!  What are your favorite tunes these day?  What qualities do they inspire for you?

What’s a good bonfire?

Good Bonfire is a reference to the book Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind, by Shunryu Suzuki. To paraphrase it for now, the message is

Whatever you do, burn yourself up completely in it, like a good bonfire.

In other words, leave no trace. In other words, don’t leave strings attached all over the place. For me traces would be: qualifiers, anxious explanations, apologies, nagging doubts, gossip, assessment. Usually, those traces take the form of fear, resentment, judgement.

E.g., the difference between singing, and singing while thinking about how your singing is going, what if you screw up, sound bad, get discovered…

What if how you do is none of your business? Instead, your mind could be on engaging the person, place or thing in front of you. And that’s it.

Be a good bonfire and have a great day.

Rare Air

There are moments when you walk into a room and the air is unlike the rooms you’ve just come from.  When you shake someone’s hand and walk away thinking about the conversation you had, or the simple quality of the exchange.  ‘Thinking about’ is the wrong term here.  Sensing is more like it.

I’m not talking about some pretty face or romantic interest here; maybe it’s a business associate, a family you meet, or a classroom exchange.  Something felt different and worth investigating.  That’s all you need – just that sense.  It’s not a logic or a proof – in fact its the opposite: more of a hunch.  My challenge to you in such a moment is to investigate it.  Take a small action toward that curious encounter.  It might be a phone call, placed first with the intention of learning more and having an open mind.  Or it might be to stop in again next week and see what the next whiff is like.

Thinking about it is generally, in my experience, a way to dull the sense, flatten it.  Another way to lose track of it is to share it more than you’re truly inspired to, if you are at all.  Thirdly, there’s a gestural quality to it, meaning it can’t be held on to, but simply noted. The bold option is to investigate without knowing more, to step toward it and check in with yourself again.  Being an expert, or thinking you know what’s important before you experience it, these are ways to be sure you miss it entirely.

It might be the collaboration, friendship, client or partnership that will guide you to the center of your life.  You can be sure it won’t look the way you thought it would, which is why  it’s worth investigating.

With Affection

to you from Hannah Burr

In a recent session, a client of mine described sitting down and creating something she’d thought about doing for years.  It had seemed daunting and complicated.  It took her ten minutes.  It was a true outward success, and deeply satisfying.  When we looked into it, a key ingredient in her approach had been affection.

I’d like to kick off this very first dispatch to you as a Valentine of sorts, addressing the under-appreciated power of engaging with affection, and how it relates to inward and outward success, as you define it.

Affection is useful
I am finding affection useful in writing, right now.  This is my first blog post/newsletter.  I’m a little nervous about it.  Perhaps I’m thinking about the scary readership, arms crossed, noses in the air, picking apart my punctuation, the rolling of eyes.  This a) makes it hard to write anything b) cancels out my sense of connection or usefulness.  In short, it’s isolating, not fun, and not inspired.

Conjuring Affection melts fear
Instead, I can regard a single reader with affection, someone who, when I think of this person, brings me a soft smile. Writing with this person in mind, I feel connected and something melty happens.  Specifically, my fear melts, I’m actually moved, and the words arrive.  I can regard the topic affectionately, the client that brought it into my awareness, and you, gentle reader, as well.

I also can approach myself  with affection by keeping my expectations low, getting it started instead of getting it right. I am approaching this task affectionately by doing it gently, in stages, and appreciating the progress I make.

In short, by being affectionate with the task at hand, the process and yourself, fear and anxiety diminish and you can simply get on with it.

In action with affection
Try it out:
1.  First ask yourself what you feel affection toward.  Animals, small children, a plant, a cranky grandparent?  Jott down your personal favorites to connect with that affection vibe.  This vibe, when strengthened by use, burns off the less helpful vibes you may carry around.

2. Try thinking of one sweet thing on the list for 30 seconds, see how it feels.

3.  Next identify an albatross task, something you’re dragging your feet on. Will it be seen by others?  Is there an ‘audience’ you’re up against?  If so, find common ground with one or a few individuals in that phantom audience.  Maybe they too have trouble sleeping, get on a chair at the site of a spider, or have trouble spelling ’separate.’

If it’s an object driving you crazy, a computer, or a sock with a hole in it, handle it gently, go get a glass of water as a break, see if you can be regard it with patience, interest, or appreciation. (Note:  When you feel the burn, it’s working!).

Affection is mindfulness
Handling a plate, answering the phone, putting on mittens, or salting your eggs can all be done affectionately:  often it involves slowing down and grounding in your five senses.

Lately I’ve been quietly stating the words “with affection” within myself.  It puts a different spin on whatever situation I’m in.  Try it – on the train, in traffic, on the phone, brushing your teeth…

If a question is more helpful, try “How would it be to do this with affection?”  And that’s it.  Just ask.

Regard yourself with affection
If you’re anything like me, I can be nice to everyone else, and not even realize that I’m beating up on parts of myself like bad radio playing attack ads with static.

Here’s where the real world-changing part comes in.
Particularly on crappy days,
-Treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend in a rough spot.  Better yet,
-Treat yourself the way you’d treat a small child standing there with sloping shoulders looking at the floor.  How would you talk to that kid?

Because the bad radio station plays insidiously, it can take some initiative – a new channel – for things to start shifting.

Try asking yourself a gentle, open ended question.
“What would you enjoy doing in the next ten minutes?” for example.   The key then, is to listen, openly and with curiosity, to the response.

The challenge at hand?  A warm, furry bear.
Maybe not all of you are working with a goal right now.  Those who are may have moments where the approach is like a driven, dog-sled decathalon kind of thing, bleak and striving.

Especially when you’ve given yourself a challenge, remember that you’ll get the very best out of yourself when you’re kind and address yourself, actions, and milestones with a genuine, respectful affection.  Plants thrive when softly pillow talked, why not you? Why not the very source of your dreams and beginnings? No one knows better than you the brand of affection that would be just right.

Happy Valentines Day.  Hannah B and Good Bonfire.

Your Year-In-Review

It’s New Year’s Eve!  The last of the decade, never to be repeated.  I will spare you my own, ‘Hannah’s year-in-review.’  However, it was a wonderful way to while away the snowy morning – scrawling it down, luxuriating in the recollections of my own life after a banner holiday season of three full blown Christmas mornings in a row.  If you’d like some quality time with yourself,  this list-making (or prose if you prefer) venture is low-stakes and high reward.  Also enjoyable with a close friend, or small group if everybody’s in the mood.

In this year, what were your…

soundtracks of choice

favorite books

life changing books

memorable movies and shows

sweet and savorable moments

what is new to your life and your routines that was not in place last January

hardest moments, and what strengths you brought to them

what you choose to take away from them, and what you choose to leave behind

pivotal events in your year

new friends, communities, people in your life this year

things (also people and places) you’ve let go or that are no longer in your life

memorable meals

trips not to be forgotten

important choices in this year

new tools and skills in your ‘toolkit,’ spiritual, professional, or other

people you may be ready to forgive

people you’d like to acknowledge or thank

what you’re celebrating today, thanking yourself for, grateful for

what this year has taught you

experiences and qualities you want to bring with you to 2010

what you’re willing to consider leaving behind

It’s snowing out, it’s cold here in Boston, but in six months, what might you possibly be entertaining?  What is it that you would delight in, what might have moved on past?  Use all of your senses here.

This life experience is strangely collaborative.  In working with others, and in my own life, I’ve seen this time and time again.  If I name the things I love, would love to experience, and then offer them up or throw them over my shoulder like salt for good luck, I am showing up and making space in my life for them.

So I’ve started this massive year in review list, and I now plan on looking into what might be delightful, just for me, to encounter, to experience more of.

If all this ruminating makes you antsy, then open a closet and make some room for what you’d love to welcome in, starting with the concrete reality of your stuff.

And thank you very, very much for being a part of my 2009.  I’m honored to have you as part of this year, and look forward to further adventures in the next.

with love,

Hannah B (aka Good Bonfire)

The Good Bonfire Guide to Being Alive and Well at Holiday Time.

At the Holidays, whatever is happening, it’s also shifting.  The best way to use this guide is to scan and read whichever item feels most relevant, and spend five minutes with it when you’re feeling in a fog, tangle, or in overdrive.

1.  Routine is grounding. Flossing, if that’s your thing, wiping down a counter, and bigger commitments in your life can often be maintained:  a gym visit, reading before bed, yoga – it might be in a different town or with guests – but you can get creative with remembering you’re still in the middle of your own life this week.  When you get out of routine, well, simply resume.

2.  Acceptance. We’re still messy human beings at the holidays, despite what the shop windows tell us.  Beauty is somehow in the middle of this fractal mess, not arrived at in battle with it.  Perfection and human love aren’t really even cousins, I’m learning – they appear to be on different planets.

Self Acceptance includes letting feelings arrive, including loneliness, and giving them some pastureland in your heart.  They aren’t personal, but they will keep knocking more and more loudly if locked out.  Sit with them by the fire, and they will soon either be on their way or sharing their insights with you.  Loneliness can strike in a room full of people you love – it’s not personal, it just happens sometimes.

3.  Self care + simplicity = apply chapstick. Or make the bed.  If you’re hair feels on fire with stress, consider the big guns:  a bath, a walk, make a list of how you show yourself love, the real kind, not the (substance related) kind that leaves you with regret when you’re finished.

4.  Pause. Take a moment to see if you have both gloves before leaving the restaurant.  If rattled by jarring circumstances, get thee to a bathroom and let your shoulders drop.  Pausing can be 20 minutes to lie down, read a lovely book, or concentrate solely on a cup of tea.

5.  Set intentions. On the drive over, in the morning, the night before.  When the visit, day, hour is over, ask “what do I want to feel grateful for?”  Name qualities you’d like to feel, textures, surprising or astonishingly easy experiences:  what would that be like?  Be sure to focus on your own experience, not the behavior, thoughts and feelings of anyone else.

6.  Slow it on down. If you think something will take an hour, plan for two hours.   If you’re honest and generous with your time estimates, and there will be no apologies later. Also, connect with your physical senses when there’s discontent brewing, notice the textures, contacts, smells, sounds, and you will re-present yourself in alignment with the moment you’re in.

7. Give what you value. First you want to be clear on what it is that you value and prize.  Where you find it, experience and express it.  And then how you can share it with others.  I’m not talking stuff here, I’m talking the ingredients for delight, contentment, laughter, etc.

8.  Keep your expectations low and stay open to delight from any corner. Probably, people or circumstances that have been a certain way for all time will not suddenly change, so it’s a waste of energy in my experience to hope for that.  (See item number two).  Conversely, if I’m convinced that someone will never ever be different, I’m also shutting myself off to other possibilities.  I can practice acting as if change is possible, while accepting people/things as they are.  That includes me and my own foibles.

9.  Know thyself (and sugar and alcohol): Part of self care includes checking in with oneself.  For instance:  Dear stomach, what would you delight in right now?  My only body, what would nourish you? Are you even hungry?!  If you leave it all up to your eyes and taste buds, you’ll get a different story entirely.  Work as a team on this one, and you’ll find yourself crashing less, having more energy, and your blood will circulate freely and with grace right into the new year.

10. Communicate, tenderly. Let relevant parties know in a simple and neutral way when you’re feeling pulled, stressed, (having a sugar crash), uneasy, whatever is going on.  If the feelings are strong, take yourself out of a situation to recenter, and then share this quietly, without an expectation of a particular response.  It will help those around you and ground you as well.  They won’t have the answers, but you will be more present, accepting and in reality which is a real service to those around you.

11. Ask for Help. In New England?  No Way! A great way to ask for help is with the full understanding and openness to someone else saying Yes!  I will help you and also, the equally valid  No, I’m unable to help you at the moment.
Maybe it’s with wrapping.  Perhaps it’s sharing the cooking load.  Perhaps it’s calling a friend to see if you can come over, or if they have time to talk for a few moments.  There’s no telling what a gift this kind of honestly can be to another.

12. Give thanks. In any circumstance, there is some cause for giving thanks.  That I have all my limbs or that I’m wearing clothes in public.  These are causes for celebration, and not necessarily givens.  There’s always something I can appreciate, and the point is because it resets my perspective, filling my own reservoirs, and things again feel workable.

13.  There are 12 million shades of gray between black and white. There are more creative possible alternatives, subtle shifts and flexible outcomes than may feel possible.  If you’re willing to not know for the moment, to flex and bend a little, while keeping in touch with what you’d love, how you feel and what would bring balance, graceful outcomes sometimes result.

14.  If you’ve got a lot of people around, take a secret break. This is not the Olympics.  Its just a holiday.  A full explanation, or getting permission is often not as necessary as one might think.  Secret errands are par for the course around this time, and it’s ok to sit in a cafe alone for a half hour, or choose a walk alone to clear your head.  No one has to know!

15.  If you are alone, you are in good company. Take this list and if inspired, work deeply with it.  It’s simply guideposts for reconnecting with the present moment, the only place where love, solution, inspiration consistently show up.