With Affection

to you from Hannah Burr

In a recent session, a client of mine described sitting down and creating something she’d thought about doing for years.  It had seemed daunting and complicated.  It took her ten minutes.  It was a true outward success, and deeply satisfying.  When we looked into it, a key ingredient in her approach had been affection.

I’d like to kick off this very first dispatch to you as a Valentine of sorts, addressing the under-appreciated power of engaging with affection, and how it relates to inward and outward success, as you define it.

Affection is useful
I am finding affection useful in writing, right now.  This is my first blog post/newsletter.  I’m a little nervous about it.  Perhaps I’m thinking about the scary readership, arms crossed, noses in the air, picking apart my punctuation, the rolling of eyes.  This a) makes it hard to write anything b) cancels out my sense of connection or usefulness.  In short, it’s isolating, not fun, and not inspired.

Conjuring Affection melts fear
Instead, I can regard a single reader with affection, someone who, when I think of this person, brings me a soft smile. Writing with this person in mind, I feel connected and something melty happens.  Specifically, my fear melts, I’m actually moved, and the words arrive.  I can regard the topic affectionately, the client that brought it into my awareness, and you, gentle reader, as well.

I also can approach myself  with affection by keeping my expectations low, getting it started instead of getting it right. I am approaching this task affectionately by doing it gently, in stages, and appreciating the progress I make.

In short, by being affectionate with the task at hand, the process and yourself, fear and anxiety diminish and you can simply get on with it.

In action with affection
Try it out:
1.  First ask yourself what you feel affection toward.  Animals, small children, a plant, a cranky grandparent?  Jott down your personal favorites to connect with that affection vibe.  This vibe, when strengthened by use, burns off the less helpful vibes you may carry around.

2. Try thinking of one sweet thing on the list for 30 seconds, see how it feels.

3.  Next identify an albatross task, something you’re dragging your feet on. Will it be seen by others?  Is there an ‘audience’ you’re up against?  If so, find common ground with one or a few individuals in that phantom audience.  Maybe they too have trouble sleeping, get on a chair at the site of a spider, or have trouble spelling ’separate.’

If it’s an object driving you crazy, a computer, or a sock with a hole in it, handle it gently, go get a glass of water as a break, see if you can be regard it with patience, interest, or appreciation. (Note:  When you feel the burn, it’s working!).

Affection is mindfulness
Handling a plate, answering the phone, putting on mittens, or salting your eggs can all be done affectionately:  often it involves slowing down and grounding in your five senses.

Lately I’ve been quietly stating the words “with affection” within myself.  It puts a different spin on whatever situation I’m in.  Try it – on the train, in traffic, on the phone, brushing your teeth…

If a question is more helpful, try “How would it be to do this with affection?”  And that’s it.  Just ask.

Regard yourself with affection
If you’re anything like me, I can be nice to everyone else, and not even realize that I’m beating up on parts of myself like bad radio playing attack ads with static.

Here’s where the real world-changing part comes in.
Particularly on crappy days,
-Treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend in a rough spot.  Better yet,
-Treat yourself the way you’d treat a small child standing there with sloping shoulders looking at the floor.  How would you talk to that kid?

Because the bad radio station plays insidiously, it can take some initiative – a new channel – for things to start shifting.

Try asking yourself a gentle, open ended question.
“What would you enjoy doing in the next ten minutes?” for example.   The key then, is to listen, openly and with curiosity, to the response.

The challenge at hand?  A warm, furry bear.
Maybe not all of you are working with a goal right now.  Those who are may have moments where the approach is like a driven, dog-sled decathalon kind of thing, bleak and striving.

Especially when you’ve given yourself a challenge, remember that you’ll get the very best out of yourself when you’re kind and address yourself, actions, and milestones with a genuine, respectful affection.  Plants thrive when softly pillow talked, why not you? Why not the very source of your dreams and beginnings? No one knows better than you the brand of affection that would be just right.

Happy Valentines Day.  Hannah B and Good Bonfire.