Comparison and the timing of two fine films

Comparison: to weigh and measure two things to see how they are different and alike, seems like such a rational thing. And yet, comparison is the henchman of self doubt and insecurity. All one has to do is run across a friend on a beautiful day and -ding!-  comparison begins to happen, innocently in the back of the mind:

What they have that I don’t:
a day off, a house, kids, a yard, a boat, a grant…that shirt, a dog, no kids, bigger paycheck, their own hours, a PhD, more friends, true love, big family, small family, blond hair, blond eyes, black hair, black eyes, a car, no car….a better sandwich….

Or, it goes the other way. In the name of being thoughtful, how easy it is to note the gaps, misfortunes, or cautionary tales of others that subtly can put you at ease (think of Tiger Woods or the guy who cut you off in traffic); or, that whistful utterance ‘I just hope he finds someone….’ Poof! an unbidden dose of smug has entered the building.

It’s that one up, one down activity: a flight of well worn stairs that serves only to exhaust, breeds self doubt or self doubt dipped in superiority. The result is a black and white that is hard edged and not much like reality.

Comparison is like pausing two different movies at exactly the same point in time.

Let’s say there’s an incredible movie. It’s got the beauty, plot, suspense, twists – the laughter and tears of an excellent movie. There are characters we love and we hate, maybe one and the same at different moments; it’s inspiring, moving and thoughtful.

And cued up right next to it is another movie, same high quality, but completely different. In and of itself its a masterpiece, but it’s a completely different movie. The timing in one is completely different from the timing in another.

If you paused both of these movies one hour and five minutes in, and compared what was going on, what might you find? In one, there’d be an incredible celebration going on, maybe topped by a night of unparalleled lovemaking. In the other, there might be a solitary person lost on a lonely drive down a rainy road. Ten minutes later, it might be the reverse. Laughter and sun in the rainy film, and an unwanted pregnancy in the place of celebration in the other. Even if you looked only at the cinematography, the shades of complexity and beauty you might perceive in the saddest moments might make it a scene you’d never want to miss.

When comparing myself to someone else, I am attempting to pause the movie of one life and compare it to the same instance in another’s, to get some handle on how its all going. Truly, there are several thousand better uses of my time.

Noting comparison

When next you feel less than (or puffed up), open a few notches of awareness by noting if comparison is happening. You might say inwardly, ah! so this is comparison. It’s as if you became aware while watching a movie, that you’re in fact watching a movie and are not in it. (Hey! I’m watching a movie!) This awareness of comparison is like becoming aware of your own film playing, and it creates a little space from comparing, so things can relax in the mind. In a moment, something else will happen and you can note that too.

Enjoy the springtime show.

And I’ll now send you out with The Shaggs: Philosophy of the World which expresses it best.

Playing Dumb

When I was a teenager, the adults I tended to trust were the ones who were able to say ‘I don’t know.’   In honor of those before me, these days I’m opting to play dumb. On a good day, I forgo the response ‘I know’ for ‘Wait, actually, what do you mean?’ Sample situations where dumbness comes in handy include waking up, brushing my teeth, asking for help, listening to a friend, teaching, being in an unknown situation (aka life), meditating, looking at art, spending time with family.

By dumbness, I don’t mean being a stone wall, ignoring someone, avoiding responsibility, lying or being insincere. You could say it’s being blank, or a happy fool even.  It involves the practice of these behaviors:

• Asking questions that aren’t rhetorical
• Saying ‘I don’t know,’ when I don’t know
• Using fewer words, more space
• Generally being open, like a question is open
• Avoiding superlatives meant to persuade or impress
• Welcoming being new at something
• Allowing for silence, even when it’s awkward
• Using plain language, short sentences
• Letting self and others off the hook often, from perfection
• Admitting fault in a straightforward way when indicated
• Letting the situation – the future – unfold by itself.

Dumbness looks at a situation afresh minus the tangle of assessment, narrative, caveat, and the other straggling mental threads.

Dumbness is being open.

Examples of applied dumbness:

TEACHING

Letting the silence stand until a student is compelled to respond – that I would call being effectively dumb.

MEDIATING

In mediation, as in coaching, the mediator doesn’t solve problems, doesn’t look at evidence, and doesn’t judge: she just facilitates the conversation. She  sticks to the simplest framework that works and lets the content develop on its own.  In this way,  those in dispute move the content themselves, often toward resolution.

COACHING

One client and I agreed to communicate for a few sessions like we were truckers: short, to the point, and in monosyllables. It took us right to the guts of things; the conserved energy brought a renewed power and focus to her insights.

ART MAKING

In my art studio, just arriving and sitting at my table is usually an effective way to begin. Maybe opening my notebook. The appropriate action simply follows when it’s ready to.

WALKING

While walking, just feeling my feet on the ground is another form of basic-ness, literally an experience of dirt or concrete, or bird, gust of wind or blaring horn – these don’t need the running commentary of my inner dialogue.

THINKING

That inner dialogue however, like a dear but neurotic friend, is incredibly hard to shake at times. So when it’s there, there’s generally no use fighting it, just make some space for it as if you’re a kind of a blank, open presence (to some what might appear dumb), and inevitably that dialogue runs out of things to say.

BEING

When I just am somewhere, I just am present there. When I am simply present, the most intricately effective solutions – brilliant solutions, have the space to show up. They are not forced through mental gymnastics – they arise. My thoughts take me away from such presence and basic senses – and as such, they obscure lovely insights.

The very being that you are is the truth.
Yes, you are the truth. If you look for it elsewhere, you will be deceived every time.
-E. Toale