The Good Bonfire Guide to Being Alive and Well at Holiday Time.

At the Holidays, whatever is happening, it’s also shifting.  The best way to use this guide is to scan and read whichever item feels most relevant, and spend five minutes with it when you’re feeling in a fog, tangle, or in overdrive.

1.  Routine is grounding. Flossing, if that’s your thing, wiping down a counter, and bigger commitments in your life can often be maintained:  a gym visit, reading before bed, yoga – it might be in a different town or with guests – but you can get creative with remembering you’re still in the middle of your own life this week.  When you get out of routine, well, simply resume.

2.  Acceptance. We’re still messy human beings at the holidays, despite what the shop windows tell us.  Beauty is somehow in the middle of this fractal mess, not arrived at in battle with it.  Perfection and human love aren’t really even cousins, I’m learning – they appear to be on different planets.

Self Acceptance includes letting feelings arrive, including loneliness, and giving them some pastureland in your heart.  They aren’t personal, but they will keep knocking more and more loudly if locked out.  Sit with them by the fire, and they will soon either be on their way or sharing their insights with you.  Loneliness can strike in a room full of people you love – it’s not personal, it just happens sometimes.

3.  Self care + simplicity = apply chapstick. Or make the bed.  If you’re hair feels on fire with stress, consider the big guns:  a bath, a walk, make a list of how you show yourself love, the real kind, not the (substance related) kind that leaves you with regret when you’re finished.

4.  Pause. Take a moment to see if you have both gloves before leaving the restaurant.  If rattled by jarring circumstances, get thee to a bathroom and let your shoulders drop.  Pausing can be 20 minutes to lie down, read a lovely book, or concentrate solely on a cup of tea.

5.  Set intentions. On the drive over, in the morning, the night before.  When the visit, day, hour is over, ask “what do I want to feel grateful for?”  Name qualities you’d like to feel, textures, surprising or astonishingly easy experiences:  what would that be like?  Be sure to focus on your own experience, not the behavior, thoughts and feelings of anyone else.

6.  Slow it on down. If you think something will take an hour, plan for two hours.   If you’re honest and generous with your time estimates, and there will be no apologies later. Also, connect with your physical senses when there’s discontent brewing, notice the textures, contacts, smells, sounds, and you will re-present yourself in alignment with the moment you’re in.

7. Give what you value. First you want to be clear on what it is that you value and prize.  Where you find it, experience and express it.  And then how you can share it with others.  I’m not talking stuff here, I’m talking the ingredients for delight, contentment, laughter, etc.

8.  Keep your expectations low and stay open to delight from any corner. Probably, people or circumstances that have been a certain way for all time will not suddenly change, so it’s a waste of energy in my experience to hope for that.  (See item number two).  Conversely, if I’m convinced that someone will never ever be different, I’m also shutting myself off to other possibilities.  I can practice acting as if change is possible, while accepting people/things as they are.  That includes me and my own foibles.

9.  Know thyself (and sugar and alcohol): Part of self care includes checking in with oneself.  For instance:  Dear stomach, what would you delight in right now?  My only body, what would nourish you? Are you even hungry?!  If you leave it all up to your eyes and taste buds, you’ll get a different story entirely.  Work as a team on this one, and you’ll find yourself crashing less, having more energy, and your blood will circulate freely and with grace right into the new year.

10. Communicate, tenderly. Let relevant parties know in a simple and neutral way when you’re feeling pulled, stressed, (having a sugar crash), uneasy, whatever is going on.  If the feelings are strong, take yourself out of a situation to recenter, and then share this quietly, without an expectation of a particular response.  It will help those around you and ground you as well.  They won’t have the answers, but you will be more present, accepting and in reality which is a real service to those around you.

11. Ask for Help. In New England?  No Way! A great way to ask for help is with the full understanding and openness to someone else saying Yes!  I will help you and also, the equally valid  No, I’m unable to help you at the moment.
Maybe it’s with wrapping.  Perhaps it’s sharing the cooking load.  Perhaps it’s calling a friend to see if you can come over, or if they have time to talk for a few moments.  There’s no telling what a gift this kind of honestly can be to another.

12. Give thanks. In any circumstance, there is some cause for giving thanks.  That I have all my limbs or that I’m wearing clothes in public.  These are causes for celebration, and not necessarily givens.  There’s always something I can appreciate, and the point is because it resets my perspective, filling my own reservoirs, and things again feel workable.

13.  There are 12 million shades of gray between black and white. There are more creative possible alternatives, subtle shifts and flexible outcomes than may feel possible.  If you’re willing to not know for the moment, to flex and bend a little, while keeping in touch with what you’d love, how you feel and what would bring balance, graceful outcomes sometimes result.

14.  If you’ve got a lot of people around, take a secret break. This is not the Olympics.  Its just a holiday.  A full explanation, or getting permission is often not as necessary as one might think.  Secret errands are par for the course around this time, and it’s ok to sit in a cafe alone for a half hour, or choose a walk alone to clear your head.  No one has to know!

15.  If you are alone, you are in good company. Take this list and if inspired, work deeply with it.  It’s simply guideposts for reconnecting with the present moment, the only place where love, solution, inspiration consistently show up.