Comparison and the timing of two fine films

Comparison: to weigh and measure two things to see how they are different and alike, seems like such a rational thing. And yet, comparison is the henchman of self doubt and insecurity. All one has to do is run across a friend on a beautiful day and -ding!-  comparison begins to happen, innocently in the back of the mind:

What they have that I don’t:
a day off, a house, kids, a yard, a boat, a grant…that shirt, a dog, no kids, bigger paycheck, their own hours, a PhD, more friends, true love, big family, small family, blond hair, blond eyes, black hair, black eyes, a car, no car….a better sandwich….

Or, it goes the other way. In the name of being thoughtful, how easy it is to note the gaps, misfortunes, or cautionary tales of others that subtly can put you at ease (think of Tiger Woods or the guy who cut you off in traffic); or, that whistful utterance ‘I just hope he finds someone….’ Poof! an unbidden dose of smug has entered the building.

It’s that one up, one down activity: a flight of well worn stairs that serves only to exhaust, breeds self doubt or self doubt dipped in superiority. The result is a black and white that is hard edged and not much like reality.

Comparison is like pausing two different movies at exactly the same point in time.

Let’s say there’s an incredible movie. It’s got the beauty, plot, suspense, twists – the laughter and tears of an excellent movie. There are characters we love and we hate, maybe one and the same at different moments; it’s inspiring, moving and thoughtful.

And cued up right next to it is another movie, same high quality, but completely different. In and of itself its a masterpiece, but it’s a completely different movie. The timing in one is completely different from the timing in another.

If you paused both of these movies one hour and five minutes in, and compared what was going on, what might you find? In one, there’d be an incredible celebration going on, maybe topped by a night of unparalleled lovemaking. In the other, there might be a solitary person lost on a lonely drive down a rainy road. Ten minutes later, it might be the reverse. Laughter and sun in the rainy film, and an unwanted pregnancy in the place of celebration in the other. Even if you looked only at the cinematography, the shades of complexity and beauty you might perceive in the saddest moments might make it a scene you’d never want to miss.

When comparing myself to someone else, I am attempting to pause the movie of one life and compare it to the same instance in another’s, to get some handle on how its all going. Truly, there are several thousand better uses of my time.

Noting comparison

When next you feel less than (or puffed up), open a few notches of awareness by noting if comparison is happening. You might say inwardly, ah! so this is comparison. It’s as if you became aware while watching a movie, that you’re in fact watching a movie and are not in it. (Hey! I’m watching a movie!) This awareness of comparison is like becoming aware of your own film playing, and it creates a little space from comparing, so things can relax in the mind. In a moment, something else will happen and you can note that too.

Enjoy the springtime show.

And I’ll now send you out with The Shaggs: Philosophy of the World which expresses it best.